it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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