just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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