i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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