It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
