Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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