Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
