i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
