My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
