Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
