I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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