and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
