Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
