I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
