I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
