I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
