no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
