You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
