I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
wow bdsm is so cute
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
