I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
