i wish starbucks made bloody marys
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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