Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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