I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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