i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
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Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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