Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize