I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
