Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
