Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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