addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
