I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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