i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
