i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?