with your own penis?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
