What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
