I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
