I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
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Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
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God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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