There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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