I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
