Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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