someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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