New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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