I wish I only lived at night.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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