Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
a search helicopter?!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
