I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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