If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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