I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she pinky promised me she was 18
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
