As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
