just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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