Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
