just come out here and I will go home with you...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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