oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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