you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
