seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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