You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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