In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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