Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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