He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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