I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
