Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
