turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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