i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
